-Perplexing-

-Why do we lie on the floor and comfort our pets during storms?
-What possesses one man to be good and decent while another desires nothing buy malice and contempt?
-Why can some forgive and move on, while others demand to be righeous yet unforgiving?

-Why do we do good things in secret, hoping that nobody will ever know the extent of our love for them?
-Why do we threaten everything that's dear to us in moments of rational passion?
-Why do we love when apathy is so much easier to bear?
-Why do words come so quickly to the mind but never sound as sane on paper?

-Why do the nights seem so calm, yet at the same time prove to be the most turbulent time for one's mind?
-Why is silence so loud?
-Why is comfort so cold at times?

-Why do we ask questions we know the answers to, or more importantly why do we ask questions we don't want to know the answers to?

-More Than A Feeling-

By and large I'd say I'm fairly discontent with my life. There are more than a few things in it that I'd like to change and a great number of qualities that I wish I possessed. I know where I want to be and what I want in my life but for some reason I cannot seem to get them in line with where I am. The facets of life are fairly simple to grasp.

In life things are going to be good and things are going to be bad. You'll experience joy and you'll experience despair. With the passage of time you'll grow old. Slowly you will come to see the big picture of your life and either be ashamed with your choices or acknowledge the person that they made you. Then, at one point you will stop and that will be the end. Your life will be measured by those you love and those who have never met you. The sum of your accomplishments will be totaled; life will then go on.

Life is like a math problem. It's logical, it has a progression, and it has a solution. Everything equals a constant. By in large I've been really good at math problems. So why do I fail at life?

In math classes I struggled because I couldn't produce the work that lead up to the solution. I could produce solid answers but without the work they might as well have just remained blank. As such I spent time trying to figure out how I got to a correct answer. It was tedious, it was frustrating and more often than not, it led to me breaking a pencil and storming off. To me it was a pointless exercise to prove that I knew the solution; a solution that I didn't need work to come to. I think I may have been wrong in that belief...

There may have been more to showing my work than simply proving that I knew what I was doing. The point could have been to get me to see the steps that lead to the answer. Logical progression and all. Yeah, I knew the answer and, yeah, I understood how to get there, but I didn't know what the steps looked like. They existed, I knew that, just not in a way that I could touch or see. And so, having never really figured out how to show my work, once again I find myself sitting frustrated that I have the answers to some of my biggest problems but I just can't seem to produce the necessary steps that lead up to them.

The problems aren't difficult; there are just more than a few variables that need to be filled in to get the answers. M, P & S are easy enough; t & G, however, are things that I have no control over. Unfortunately t & G are the key factors in all my problems. Though, that is speaking in general terms. There are little sub-problems that lead up to the answers to the general variables. They're taxing and it's in them that I really begin to stumble over the required steps to get to their solutions.

So...

As for my discontent: I have an answer for that.
As for my shortcomings: I have an answer for that as well.

-On Chemical Concoctions-

Don't mess around with chemicals. It's bad and may lead to burns, illness, and death. None of those things are good. So please kids, don't play with chemicals or ingest them.

Don't eat cake either. It'll rot your teeth and kill you.

[//end transmission//]

-This About Sums it Up-

I'm constantly baffled by how many people are impressed by me.* I honestly do not get what is so amazing about half the stuff I know how to do and thusly do. Yes I cook; sure, I clean when necessary; of course, I know my way around a computer and multimedia software/devices - san a soundboard. Is any of this impressive? I don't think so. I'm not unlike many twenty somethings around the nation, all of whom have spent time in a computer lab and things of the such.

Honestly I don't find anything that I know all that great. Sure it's entertaining information and helps ease the burdens of having someone else slave over something that I can do in a matter of minutes but in the end it serves no purpose. realization

So to answer your question: No, I don't think that it's all that impressive.


*this isn't ego talking, I actually have people tell me this on many occasions.

-Glass Box of Emotion-

What is, "something I'm trapped in, Alex?"
Honestly.

You've got to love how my mental/emotional processes work though. They're so me. Cyclical and quite ritualistic. It's a good thing though, at least I can map out when I'm at my highs and lows in things. It's helping me even out this imbalance I have. Though, I will say this: I'm so fickle with how I look at love (while still being in it) that it's amazing that my heart hasn't just crapped out on me.

I like that feeling of being totally into it and then getting shot down. Of coures my natural responce is going to be a feeling of complete emotional nothingness. After a week or so I start thinking about other things and have about two weeks of feeling not good, but not pain either. Then I start weighing out my options in the GRAND scheme of things; the old "more fish in the sea idea." Which gets me thinking about girls that I like; which peaks intrest; which leads to the cusp of action; which then of course leads to thinking. The thinking is the bad part because the thinking kills all options but one on the basis of I'm not looking for someone that I need to fall in love with and put myself WAY out there in the process of it. I'm willing to put myself out there, don't get me wrong but I'm just so sick and tired of getting shot down that I'm at the point of almost sitting out a few rounds in hopes that this whole "Feminist" movement that is suposted to make women more assertive (all lies) will lead to one coming after me. Of course I know this won't happen, so boo and hiss.

Damned fake movements...

-This is Foolishness-

All that is is left unsaid is foolish for it changes nothing. It doesn't sway your emotions; it doesn't set your heart afire; it doesn't accomplish a damned thing. It is foolishness.

This is my pentance for all that I have done wrong. This is my punishment for all that I leave unsaid. To feel as I do; to act the way I act. The desires of my heart are the rally cries of my head, for the war will rage between them till the end of all these nights.

Night.

That is when this comes out. It is where it was born and will probably be the location of it's death. But how to kill it? How do you end something that cannot die no matter how hard you try? It is a Beast that I have created: a Beast that will undoubtibly end me.

Perhaps that is it's function, to end me. Oh, not in a physical manner mind you but rather in a more profound way. This seems to be my eternal struggle. Nothing else affects me greater than this. I'm will to wait for almost anything in this world be it fame, fortune or peace; however I find it impossible to wait for love. And while I will it becomes more painful with each passing day.

-It's About You & All The Things I Should Have Said-

Long title, short explanation:
Few CDs out there have been able to honestly capture what I'm feeling in life. That said it's amazing how many paralells I can draw from the collected works of an entire band. Since I can remember Train has been the soundtrack to my life. Not in a minor way. Each song has been a story of my life and an insight to my feelings. Whenever I'm at a loss for words I can find one of their albums and put on one of their songs to describe just how I'm feeling. Most of the time my life falls to three tracks:
Mississippi, Hopeless and Getaway.

Mississippi of course tailoring to my "well, I'm in love with this girl who is as changing as the Mississippi River. She's powerful and moves me in ways nothing else can, but she doesn't flow in my direction. Melodramatic, but that's who I am right? Besides, how melodramatic is it (expecially right now) to relate to this song on a deep level?

Hopeless... well this song encompasses all my feelings towards things. Why do things keep on changing around me? While this song is usually applied to conversations I have with the women of Mississippi it also gets turned on me from time to time. That being I take on the role of the guy on the other end of the conversation. No, I don't need secret midnight calls but at the same time nor does she. Pictures on our walls? No, that's not healthy. Basically, it's not healthy to be in the position of desire that I find myself in or vice versa.

Getaway. A song about escape. Escaping the pain of realization. Of just... getting away from all that plagues you. What would you do to escape it all? If you lived forever what would you pay for it to end? Would you?

The entirety of this album is playing out right now. From "She's on Fire" to "Whipping Boy". No single entity has spoken to me in ways that Train does. How morbidly depressing is that for a man of my religious beliefs to say?

* * *

All the things I should have said but couldn't:
-You're beautiful beyond all compairison
-Your's is the first voice I desire to hear after waking and the last I desire to hear before going to sleep
-Defiance suits you
-Despite all the things you do to piss me off I can't imagine living without you in my life
Subpoint: I get that you hurt all the time
Subpoint: I get that boys drive you crazy
-I wish that I could fix things for you
-It hurts me to hear that you're hurting
-Your laugh is intoxicating
Subpoint: It's also the cutest
Subpoint: As well as being abnoxious
-You're adorable and will always be so, don't fight it it only makes it worse
-Despite your claiming you lack grace, how you've handled all that you've been given in life can only be described as "gracefully"
-You know what you want even when you don't
-You're strenght is inspiring
-You challange me
-I love how you adopt a childlike defensive stance and hunker down for the smallest of disputes
-I love that no matter how pissed off we can get at each other, by the end of the yelling and screaming we part friends
-You value family and I dig that
Subpoint: You seem to get along and enjoy the company of your family
Subpoint: You help when you're called to help even at your own expense
-This leads to your selflessness
-And of course your selfishness
-The ballance between the two is facinating

I should have told you flat out how much I wanted to be with you. I should have said all I didn't. It plays out differently in my mind. Each time I say I'm going to say something I say it there instead of what usually comes out. I don't like how it sounds though. I sound desperate or like a cliche. I'm neither. I blame myself for those though. I watch too many movies and listen to too much music. Everything I want to say feels like it's from something that's already been pop-cultured. It loses it's meaning in delivery even though that is how I feel. I try not to quote but why not? Ironically even this will be a quote, but why try to say something that someone has already said better than you ever could? Sincerity is lost I understand but you know me. You know how I think and how I work. I don't say anything I don't mean. I don't lie for gain. When I tell you that I need you for reasons unsaid then believe me when I say I need you.

You're a light in the dark recesses of my mind. You get me thinking of something other than myself. You've got me thinking of you. I don't say things because I know they do nothing for you. I ask if this makes worse or makes better and unfortunatly for me all that I have to say doesn't help. It's said in bad timing but if not now when? I can't wait to tell you how I feel when the time is right. The time is never right. Time is always against us.

Oh, I know that nothing will become of what I'm saying now, but that's not where I'm looking. Now I'm in no position to give you want I want to. You're out of reach. Proximity is not on my side. If it was maybe things could be different. Though distance shouldn't be an excuse to try my hand at honesty should it? You're on my mind all the time and not in a "creepy" way. I'll be sitting and thinking of something and you'll come into the picture. Someone will tell a joke and I'll think of something you've said. Something fantastic will happen in my life and you'll be the first one I want to tell. I'm in deep... I'm drowning in all this.

But how to tell you? I've been told to come flat out and say it. I've been told to do nothing. I'm to be patient and wait for the right time or to see where life takes us. I don't want to wait. I will, but I don't want to wait for the good things in my life to fall into place; Nor do I want to force them into place. Things will happen that I can't control and I accept that, but who is to say I can't take charge in this situation? What is stopping me from getting to you other than myself?

Now I understand that this isn't a good time for you. You need to figure things out. I can respect that. I fully understand that you've no idea what you want right now; but I know what I want. This is my act of selfishness. That I want to be with you. That I want to be there for you and hold you when you need to be held. I want to be that pillar of strenght that I know I can be for you. I want to be a fool for you (I'm pretty close to that goal now). Mostly though I just want to be able to call you mine, because no matter the end result of this, you can already call me yours.

I don't know why I can't just tell you this. Why when I try it comes out as nonsense and side-tracked converstaion. Why I sound like such an idiot when for the first time I have answers to questions I've been asking for years. I'm a lion without courage and a tin man without a heart. In the ever true words of Brooks & Dunn: "Mi Corzon perdido en ti, My Heart is lost to you".

-The Fourth of "Dear God, Why?"-

Holidays... 'nough said.

-It's Better This Way-

Mon amour pour elle était comme une blessure profonde qui a saigné sans cesser.

-Comfortable (In A Soft Way)-

BBQ PSA, WTF?

Yeah, rule one of a Cookout is "don't touch the grill" - expecially when it's... well grilling. I thought this one was self explanatory. I thought wrong. Other than that it was a good evening, thought it ended up just being Reggie and I mocking basically everyone we know.



The Menu?
London broil (a bit dry, but I blame my own stupidity and the fact that I really didn't DROWN the meat in a marinade this time) with garlic and rosemary oil, grilled red potatoes, a caesar salid, herb and butter wild rice (of which we didn't eat any - not a problem though, I'll just use it for stuffing peppers for tonights dinner), italian bread and pie crust cookies (which were tasty expecially with jam).



We watched quite possibly the most innane anime movie (blurg...) and then after cohersing for a good ten minutes (and lying) wound up at the 278 (Whiny, pseudo-punky/goth kid central) to see Knocked Up. It was basically the most amazing movie I've seen in a while, though I recommend you avert your eyes during the birthing thing... yeah. But, that wasn't the minor highlight of the night (yes, I measure nights in highlights and rank them): I passed a car on HW92 with another coming straight on, at night. It was an 142 km/p rush of "this little car is going to get munched."

The highlight (as it always is) involved a phone call. I like phone calls, expecially ones from my friend in Nebraska (via Colorado tonight). I'm not going to lie, it's a selfish thing talking to her on the phone. She's more apt for the text messages, something I can dig, but I prefer hearing her voice. With text messages all I can do is predict and feel when they're coming. Its a bit too cold a form of communication for me. With voice communication it's like she's with me. I can hear the subtle changes in conversation. It moves faster and I get to hear her laugh and I'm not going to lie, that in and of itself is enough for me. It's contageous. She laughs, I laugh, she laughs harder, I laugh harder. It's... well, it's enough to brighten up the dark corners of my mind, a feat worthy of sainthood.

-So Good You Wanna Slap Your Momma-

That's right party people, this guy is running the show for the next four days. What does that mean exacty? Well, it means:
a) Nothing but the best in food (though we're going for one meal a day... deal with it)
b) Nothing but time on our hands and loud music
c) Shadow~!
d) I get to use MY computer
e) W'gasa

-Confusing-

What is love but a connection?
Is it patience if it hurts?
Fantasy is the first step in pain.

Lying on the floor near the corner of my bed I stare at the cealing watching the sun dance across a fan spining lazy circles; Above on the bed, in a sea of white sheets, she dreams. Shadows cast by the leaves and branches outside flicker over her skin and soft linen dress. She stirs causing her arm to slide off the side of the bed. Reaching forward I gently take her hand and press upon it a light kiss. Sounds of her rising begin to fill the silence of the room and soon I find myself staring into her drowsy eyes. Pulling herself free of the sheets she smiles; Once again I see her face hanging over the corner of the bed. I prop myself up to meet her gaze. There we stay for moments that feel like an eternity. Softly we kiss and in a burst of giggles she finds herself being pulled to the floor.

-Arrrrrrrgggggggggggggg~

That about sums EVERYTHING up. It easily covers this friend-demic/best friend issue (as that's all my will can seem to muster is a silent scream of agony), not to mention this whole "spiritual" deal I've been pushing around in my head for... oh, forever. I've been putting round after round of HE-Logic Shot into my head but it just doesn't seem to be killing off these thought processes. Oye-Veh. Bro, I really should have pushed my issues onto you rather than listening to the constant rambles and frustration that comes with you and this girlfriend of yours.

I mean here's hoping for whatever sick twisted ideal relationship or healthy medium you two can find, but until you both get your heads out of your asses... leave me alone. I don't want to hear about you two... you're killing me inside.

Honestly, killing me.

Yes... I believe I have reservations: Pity, party of one.

-Bewilderment-

How do you tell someone that they consume your thoughts?
How do you tell them that they light up the dim existance that is your life in ways that are beyond all words and expressions?
How do you explain that dispite all the frustrations they cause in your life, with every passing day and each tale of tribulation your feelings grow deeper?
How do you tell her that she is the first person you think of when you have good news to share and that her voice is the last one you want to hear before falling asleep?
How, without fear of damaging what you already have, do you sing praises of her heart, intentions, mind and beauty?
Most importantly though, how do you do you find the strenght to keep to yourself feelings that are bursting against the walls of your heart and mind knowing that if they do they will change things forever?

-The Embodiment of My Avarice-

   It's hard to put into words, expecially in the artistic manner that I desire, what I experienced tonight. There was depth in a shallow man that, while it may not have touched him, has greatly effected me. Revelation always seems to come in the most unlikley of places through the most unlikley of sources.
   Tonight I felt embarassed for doing something that I believed to be right. I was thought a fool when I knew what I was doing. On top of that I came face to face with the cynicism that I so clearly rely upon for survival and was appalled by it.
   When you come face to face with what you fight daily to not become, how do you respond? Do you ignore it or do you observe and correct? Is it possible to supress the Beast?
   I had planned to write something profound. I had planned to just write what I'm feeling towards the whole ordeal, and that is what it has become. Instead I offer this and challenge you to do the same:

In the face of Avarice present an offering of Charity.
In the face of Wrath present a heart of Compassion.

-Antigone-

Dearest Antigone-
   It seems like ages since we last spoke and an eternity since I last felt your embrace. Since we parted I have been unable to think of anything but you. Oh what calamity has befallen me that would cause me to now loathe that which I could not live without? I feel as a prisoner must; but how much worse is this fate? To be surrounded by the beauty of the sea and to be unable to share it with you. Each night I search for signs of you in this vast expanse. I turn my head towards the stars and imagine you staring at the same shimmering sky as I.
   No longer do I dream of unseen destinations and no longer do I desire to understand all that is to be understood on these untamed seas. I will gladly surrender this life for you. For all that I once loved and yearned for have now, in comparison to your beauty and grace, become a plague upon my heart and soul. With each passing moment I pray in an ever increasing fashion that we swiftly conduct our buisness and that I am able to once again return to your embrace.

My Dear, pray as I do for God sent winds and Angel's wings that I might speed home to you.

-The Flip Side-

   We met there once. In a world of haze and darkness we found light. We drifted those streets and stumbled down each alley with confidence that we would find our way to the sea. While I cannot recall the specifics of that evening I know that what we shared was beyond all description and all comparison. I am sure we lamented the time lost and laughed about the days to come. In the dark labyrinth that now consumes my mind I find soliace in the knowledge that what we shared will stick with us well beyond this morning and the day to follow. Despite the trials and turbulent seas that await us rest easy knowing that my thoughts dwell on you, and while we may never meet again I shall save you a seat on that old park bench in the hopes that we will once again meet... on the flip side.

- ΑΩ -

Monotony my love, you shine as you did yesterday.
Your touch is as cold as ice, yet your embrace unwinds the tension of my soul.
While I toil under the watchful eyes of Chaos,
You numb the confusion that builds in my mind.
You are consistency in a world of uncertainty.
Day after day you remain unchanged.
You are my beautiful mistress of death, and though I find comfort in your presence,
In your arms my life fades away.

-This is Fear; This is Terror-

I do not fear that which seperates the finite from the infinite,
But rather it is the expanses on either side of the divider that are the cause of my anxiety.
In this life I reached a crossroads in which my life turned down a dark and rocky path,
And no matter what light or blessings may occur further down this road it does not change the fact that this path I traverse is not the path I desire.
As such, that which is shall be measured by that which may have been
And shall always be found wanting.

There is a point in there somewhere, however even I cannot make head or tail of it. I'm scared. Without pause or peace I fear that which I cannot see. I know that It's there and I know that It exists. I can feel It all around me yet cannot see It. However, what would that change?

Would it ease this Paranoia? Would it allow for restful sleep?

-Worth-

"What are my feelings telling me?"
"What is my motivation/how far am I prepared for this to go?"
"Is it worth the trouble, the anguish, the joy, the frustration, and, ultimately, the possibility that this won't end well?"

I'm sure you've asked these questions when it comes evaluating love. It was once said:

"In my opinion, unless you can answer these questions you are not worthy of love;
or, better still, you are in no position to use the phrase 'love' in such a way
that it describes feelings beyond that of a platonic manner."

While I would be remiss to say that I agree with the statement, it does ring quite true. Love seems to have become something that isn't respected anymore. No, scratch that, it is still respected, but the commitment and thoughtfulness behind the sentiment seems to be wanting. The social contract of love has become that of a dramatic script. Everyone has their pre-conceived notions of what love truly is, and as such how one should act while in love. Now this in and of itself is not a problem, however it becomes a problem when one who is craving their perfect "love" scenario, and loses sight of why they're in the relationship they are.

The main flaw with modern romances is that the word "love" has lost its meaning over the years. Should you ask anyone in a physical relationship - that being a relationship that has progressed into the areas of kissing, extended embraces, and/or sexual intercourse - how to best describe their feelings towards the person they are courting/dating, the most common response is "love." While I do not debate the validity of their claim, I do call into question the type of love that they are experiencing - philia, agapē, or eros.

-The Flow-

Can what has not happened be undone? That is to say, can future events be foiled should they become known to an individual? One schooled in the notions of free-will and chance would state that yes one can indeed change their future through a conscious effort of their actions; however, one who believes in fate or pre-destination would argue that no matter what foreknowledge an individual may posess, he will, despite is best efforts, fall prey to whatever he has forseen. While both schools are right in their own respect, the degree in which they could play into the changing of one's future is not only determined by the individual, but also by the event itself. Such events such as what one has for lunch, dinner, ect., can be dismissed in a question such as this, for they are not items of great consequence (though this itself is to be debated), though would it be possible for one to deny an action greater than themselves through conscious decisions?

I often find myself wondering what the pre-written world has in store for me. I, one hooked on the idea of fate and unalterable grand design, find it hard to imagine where the world would be if humanity were left to its own choices and chance. To me it sounds like a terrifying

As hard a time I have believing that we're the shapers of our own destiny, I find it even more difficult to believe that I am capible of deciding what the best direction for my life. However, this is not an admission of a lack of self-confidence, as that would be quite the falacy, or even a statement about my ability to make decisions, but rather it is an unbiased observation as to my nature and how I have this seemingly uncanny ability to put myself into destructive positions when I attempt to exert my own will upon a situation. Quite frankly as deep as my love runs for anyone in this world, or anything - be it an idea, tradition, or object - I'm hopelessly infatuated with chaos and self-destruction. Entropy suits me, in a strange way, and as such "free-will" combined with my nature would dictate that I would be incapible of the pleasent ending that I so deeply yearn for. Such an ending is beyond my control and as such I feel no need to control this flow. Going with the flow is not for those schooled in free-will, but rather the realization that you're without control.