-It's About You & All The Things I Should Have Said-

Long title, short explanation:
Few CDs out there have been able to honestly capture what I'm feeling in life. That said it's amazing how many paralells I can draw from the collected works of an entire band. Since I can remember Train has been the soundtrack to my life. Not in a minor way. Each song has been a story of my life and an insight to my feelings. Whenever I'm at a loss for words I can find one of their albums and put on one of their songs to describe just how I'm feeling. Most of the time my life falls to three tracks:
Mississippi, Hopeless and Getaway.

Mississippi of course tailoring to my "well, I'm in love with this girl who is as changing as the Mississippi River. She's powerful and moves me in ways nothing else can, but she doesn't flow in my direction. Melodramatic, but that's who I am right? Besides, how melodramatic is it (expecially right now) to relate to this song on a deep level?

Hopeless... well this song encompasses all my feelings towards things. Why do things keep on changing around me? While this song is usually applied to conversations I have with the women of Mississippi it also gets turned on me from time to time. That being I take on the role of the guy on the other end of the conversation. No, I don't need secret midnight calls but at the same time nor does she. Pictures on our walls? No, that's not healthy. Basically, it's not healthy to be in the position of desire that I find myself in or vice versa.

Getaway. A song about escape. Escaping the pain of realization. Of just... getting away from all that plagues you. What would you do to escape it all? If you lived forever what would you pay for it to end? Would you?

The entirety of this album is playing out right now. From "She's on Fire" to "Whipping Boy". No single entity has spoken to me in ways that Train does. How morbidly depressing is that for a man of my religious beliefs to say?

* * *

All the things I should have said but couldn't:
-You're beautiful beyond all compairison
-Your's is the first voice I desire to hear after waking and the last I desire to hear before going to sleep
-Defiance suits you
-Despite all the things you do to piss me off I can't imagine living without you in my life
Subpoint: I get that you hurt all the time
Subpoint: I get that boys drive you crazy
-I wish that I could fix things for you
-It hurts me to hear that you're hurting
-Your laugh is intoxicating
Subpoint: It's also the cutest
Subpoint: As well as being abnoxious
-You're adorable and will always be so, don't fight it it only makes it worse
-Despite your claiming you lack grace, how you've handled all that you've been given in life can only be described as "gracefully"
-You know what you want even when you don't
-You're strenght is inspiring
-You challange me
-I love how you adopt a childlike defensive stance and hunker down for the smallest of disputes
-I love that no matter how pissed off we can get at each other, by the end of the yelling and screaming we part friends
-You value family and I dig that
Subpoint: You seem to get along and enjoy the company of your family
Subpoint: You help when you're called to help even at your own expense
-This leads to your selflessness
-And of course your selfishness
-The ballance between the two is facinating

I should have told you flat out how much I wanted to be with you. I should have said all I didn't. It plays out differently in my mind. Each time I say I'm going to say something I say it there instead of what usually comes out. I don't like how it sounds though. I sound desperate or like a cliche. I'm neither. I blame myself for those though. I watch too many movies and listen to too much music. Everything I want to say feels like it's from something that's already been pop-cultured. It loses it's meaning in delivery even though that is how I feel. I try not to quote but why not? Ironically even this will be a quote, but why try to say something that someone has already said better than you ever could? Sincerity is lost I understand but you know me. You know how I think and how I work. I don't say anything I don't mean. I don't lie for gain. When I tell you that I need you for reasons unsaid then believe me when I say I need you.

You're a light in the dark recesses of my mind. You get me thinking of something other than myself. You've got me thinking of you. I don't say things because I know they do nothing for you. I ask if this makes worse or makes better and unfortunatly for me all that I have to say doesn't help. It's said in bad timing but if not now when? I can't wait to tell you how I feel when the time is right. The time is never right. Time is always against us.

Oh, I know that nothing will become of what I'm saying now, but that's not where I'm looking. Now I'm in no position to give you want I want to. You're out of reach. Proximity is not on my side. If it was maybe things could be different. Though distance shouldn't be an excuse to try my hand at honesty should it? You're on my mind all the time and not in a "creepy" way. I'll be sitting and thinking of something and you'll come into the picture. Someone will tell a joke and I'll think of something you've said. Something fantastic will happen in my life and you'll be the first one I want to tell. I'm in deep... I'm drowning in all this.

But how to tell you? I've been told to come flat out and say it. I've been told to do nothing. I'm to be patient and wait for the right time or to see where life takes us. I don't want to wait. I will, but I don't want to wait for the good things in my life to fall into place; Nor do I want to force them into place. Things will happen that I can't control and I accept that, but who is to say I can't take charge in this situation? What is stopping me from getting to you other than myself?

Now I understand that this isn't a good time for you. You need to figure things out. I can respect that. I fully understand that you've no idea what you want right now; but I know what I want. This is my act of selfishness. That I want to be with you. That I want to be there for you and hold you when you need to be held. I want to be that pillar of strenght that I know I can be for you. I want to be a fool for you (I'm pretty close to that goal now). Mostly though I just want to be able to call you mine, because no matter the end result of this, you can already call me yours.

I don't know why I can't just tell you this. Why when I try it comes out as nonsense and side-tracked converstaion. Why I sound like such an idiot when for the first time I have answers to questions I've been asking for years. I'm a lion without courage and a tin man without a heart. In the ever true words of Brooks & Dunn: "Mi Corzon perdido en ti, My Heart is lost to you".