I can list off nearly every 'monumental' moment in my life at any given moment. I can probably also give you dates and times of when my world changed for both the good and the worse. I know every twist and turn that turned me into the warped individual that now sits in front of a computer every night like Doogie Howser talking to his computer. I am the Doug Funny of 2008. Most important though: I can hypothesize beyond a shadow of a doubt the purpose behind each and every moment in my life.
Now I could probably get really religious in this explanation but I have no intention of doing so. Religion always offers a clean cut response to any and all trial in your life which I'm quite frankly sick and tired of. I'm not an atheist (quite the opposite actually) but at some point even the most religious and spiritual of people need to understand from a purely human point of view the reason for suffering and pain (and at times joy & pleasure).
All those tough times have led me somewhere better that I would have been without them if only for a brief moment. Everything has taught me something; from dealing with chemical imbalances to preparing myself for great pain. Life throws some hard punches and the first always hurt the most. Eventually however you begin to see them coming and learn to bob-and-weave with it's attacks. You learn to keep your hands up; you learn to move with the blows. You learn to love the sport of it all, despite all the pain.
26 January 2008
28 December 2007
-Perplexing-
-Why do we lie on the floor and comfort our pets during storms?
-What possesses one man to be good and decent while another desires nothing buy malice and contempt?
-Why can some forgive and move on, while others demand to be righeous yet unforgiving?
-Why do we do good things in secret, hoping that nobody will ever know the extent of our love for them?
-Why do we threaten everything that's dear to us in moments of rational passion?
-Why do we love when apathy is so much easier to bear?
-Why do words come so quickly to the mind but never sound as sane on paper?
-Why do the nights seem so calm, yet at the same time prove to be the most turbulent time for one's mind?
-Why is silence so loud?
-Why is comfort so cold at times?
-Why do we ask questions we know the answers to, or more importantly why do we ask questions we don't want to know the answers to?
-What possesses one man to be good and decent while another desires nothing buy malice and contempt?
-Why can some forgive and move on, while others demand to be righeous yet unforgiving?
-Why do we do good things in secret, hoping that nobody will ever know the extent of our love for them?
-Why do we threaten everything that's dear to us in moments of rational passion?
-Why do we love when apathy is so much easier to bear?
-Why do words come so quickly to the mind but never sound as sane on paper?
-Why do the nights seem so calm, yet at the same time prove to be the most turbulent time for one's mind?
-Why is silence so loud?
-Why is comfort so cold at times?
-Why do we ask questions we know the answers to, or more importantly why do we ask questions we don't want to know the answers to?
22 December 2007
-More Than A Feeling-
By and large I'd say I'm fairly discontent with my life. There are more than a few things in it that I'd like to change and a great number of qualities that I wish I possessed. I know where I want to be and what I want in my life but for some reason I cannot seem to get them in line with where I am. The facets of life are fairly simple to grasp.
In life things are going to be good and things are going to be bad. You'll experience joy and you'll experience despair. With the passage of time you'll grow old. Slowly you will come to see the big picture of your life and either be ashamed with your choices or acknowledge the person that they made you. Then, at one point you will stop and that will be the end. Your life will be measured by those you love and those who have never met you. The sum of your accomplishments will be totaled; life will then go on.
Life is like a math problem. It's logical, it has a progression, and it has a solution. Everything equals a constant. By in large I've been really good at math problems. So why do I fail at life?
In math classes I struggled because I couldn't produce the work that lead up to the solution. I could produce solid answers but without the work they might as well have just remained blank. As such I spent time trying to figure out how I got to a correct answer. It was tedious, it was frustrating and more often than not, it led to me breaking a pencil and storming off. To me it was a pointless exercise to prove that I knew the solution; a solution that I didn't need work to come to. I think I may have been wrong in that belief...
There may have been more to showing my work than simply proving that I knew what I was doing. The point could have been to get me to see the steps that lead to the answer. Logical progression and all. Yeah, I knew the answer and, yeah, I understood how to get there, but I didn't know what the steps looked like. They existed, I knew that, just not in a way that I could touch or see. And so, having never really figured out how to show my work, once again I find myself sitting frustrated that I have the answers to some of my biggest problems but I just can't seem to produce the necessary steps that lead up to them.
The problems aren't difficult; there are just more than a few variables that need to be filled in to get the answers. M, P & S are easy enough; t & G, however, are things that I have no control over. Unfortunately t & G are the key factors in all my problems. Though, that is speaking in general terms. There are little sub-problems that lead up to the answers to the general variables. They're taxing and it's in them that I really begin to stumble over the required steps to get to their solutions.
So...
As for my discontent: I have an answer for that.
As for my shortcomings: I have an answer for that as well.
In life things are going to be good and things are going to be bad. You'll experience joy and you'll experience despair. With the passage of time you'll grow old. Slowly you will come to see the big picture of your life and either be ashamed with your choices or acknowledge the person that they made you. Then, at one point you will stop and that will be the end. Your life will be measured by those you love and those who have never met you. The sum of your accomplishments will be totaled; life will then go on.
Life is like a math problem. It's logical, it has a progression, and it has a solution. Everything equals a constant. By in large I've been really good at math problems. So why do I fail at life?
In math classes I struggled because I couldn't produce the work that lead up to the solution. I could produce solid answers but without the work they might as well have just remained blank. As such I spent time trying to figure out how I got to a correct answer. It was tedious, it was frustrating and more often than not, it led to me breaking a pencil and storming off. To me it was a pointless exercise to prove that I knew the solution; a solution that I didn't need work to come to. I think I may have been wrong in that belief...
There may have been more to showing my work than simply proving that I knew what I was doing. The point could have been to get me to see the steps that lead to the answer. Logical progression and all. Yeah, I knew the answer and, yeah, I understood how to get there, but I didn't know what the steps looked like. They existed, I knew that, just not in a way that I could touch or see. And so, having never really figured out how to show my work, once again I find myself sitting frustrated that I have the answers to some of my biggest problems but I just can't seem to produce the necessary steps that lead up to them.
The problems aren't difficult; there are just more than a few variables that need to be filled in to get the answers. M, P & S are easy enough; t & G, however, are things that I have no control over. Unfortunately t & G are the key factors in all my problems. Though, that is speaking in general terms. There are little sub-problems that lead up to the answers to the general variables. They're taxing and it's in them that I really begin to stumble over the required steps to get to their solutions.
So...
As for my discontent: I have an answer for that.
As for my shortcomings: I have an answer for that as well.
11 September 2007
-On Chemical Concoctions-
Don't mess around with chemicals. It's bad and may lead to burns, illness, and death. None of those things are good. So please kids, don't play with chemicals or ingest them.
Don't eat cake either. It'll rot your teeth and kill you.
[//end transmission//]
Don't eat cake either. It'll rot your teeth and kill you.
[//end transmission//]
27 August 2007
-This About Sums it Up-
I'm constantly baffled by how many people are impressed by me.* I honestly do not get what is so amazing about half the stuff I know how to do and thusly do. Yes I cook; sure, I clean when necessary; of course, I know my way around a computer and multimedia software/devices - san a soundboard. Is any of this impressive? I don't think so. I'm not unlike many twenty somethings around the nation, all of whom have spent time in a computer lab and things of the such.
Honestly I don't find anything that I know all that great. Sure it's entertaining information and helps ease the burdens of having someone else slave over something that I can do in a matter of minutes but in the end it serves no purpose. realization
So to answer your question: No, I don't think that it's all that impressive.
*this isn't ego talking, I actually have people tell me this on many occasions.
Honestly I don't find anything that I know all that great. Sure it's entertaining information and helps ease the burdens of having someone else slave over something that I can do in a matter of minutes but in the end it serves no purpose. realization
So to answer your question: No, I don't think that it's all that impressive.
*this isn't ego talking, I actually have people tell me this on many occasions.
21 July 2007
-Glass Box of Emotion-
What is, "something I'm trapped in, Alex?"
Honestly.
You've got to love how my mental/emotional processes work though. They're so me. Cyclical and quite ritualistic. It's a good thing though, at least I can map out when I'm at my highs and lows in things. It's helping me even out this imbalance I have. Though, I will say this: I'm so fickle with how I look at love (while still being in it) that it's amazing that my heart hasn't just crapped out on me.
I like that feeling of being totally into it and then getting shot down. Of coures my natural responce is going to be a feeling of complete emotional nothingness. After a week or so I start thinking about other things and have about two weeks of feeling not good, but not pain either. Then I start weighing out my options in the GRAND scheme of things; the old "more fish in the sea idea." Which gets me thinking about girls that I like; which peaks intrest; which leads to the cusp of action; which then of course leads to thinking. The thinking is the bad part because the thinking kills all options but one on the basis of I'm not looking for someone that I need to fall in love with and put myself WAY out there in the process of it. I'm willing to put myself out there, don't get me wrong but I'm just so sick and tired of getting shot down that I'm at the point of almost sitting out a few rounds in hopes that this whole "Feminist" movement that is suposted to make women more assertive (all lies) will lead to one coming after me. Of course I know this won't happen, so boo and hiss.
Damned fake movements...
Honestly.
You've got to love how my mental/emotional processes work though. They're so me. Cyclical and quite ritualistic. It's a good thing though, at least I can map out when I'm at my highs and lows in things. It's helping me even out this imbalance I have. Though, I will say this: I'm so fickle with how I look at love (while still being in it) that it's amazing that my heart hasn't just crapped out on me.
I like that feeling of being totally into it and then getting shot down. Of coures my natural responce is going to be a feeling of complete emotional nothingness. After a week or so I start thinking about other things and have about two weeks of feeling not good, but not pain either. Then I start weighing out my options in the GRAND scheme of things; the old "more fish in the sea idea." Which gets me thinking about girls that I like; which peaks intrest; which leads to the cusp of action; which then of course leads to thinking. The thinking is the bad part because the thinking kills all options but one on the basis of I'm not looking for someone that I need to fall in love with and put myself WAY out there in the process of it. I'm willing to put myself out there, don't get me wrong but I'm just so sick and tired of getting shot down that I'm at the point of almost sitting out a few rounds in hopes that this whole "Feminist" movement that is suposted to make women more assertive (all lies) will lead to one coming after me. Of course I know this won't happen, so boo and hiss.
Damned fake movements...
16 July 2007
-This is Foolishness-
All that is is left unsaid is foolish for it changes nothing. It doesn't sway your emotions; it doesn't set your heart afire; it doesn't accomplish a damned thing. It is foolishness.
This is my pentance for all that I have done wrong. This is my punishment for all that I leave unsaid. To feel as I do; to act the way I act. The desires of my heart are the rally cries of my head, for the war will rage between them till the end of all these nights.
Night.
That is when this comes out. It is where it was born and will probably be the location of it's death. But how to kill it? How do you end something that cannot die no matter how hard you try? It is a Beast that I have created: a Beast that will undoubtibly end me.
Perhaps that is it's function, to end me. Oh, not in a physical manner mind you but rather in a more profound way. This seems to be my eternal struggle. Nothing else affects me greater than this. I'm will to wait for almost anything in this world be it fame, fortune or peace; however I find it impossible to wait for love. And while I will it becomes more painful with each passing day.
This is my pentance for all that I have done wrong. This is my punishment for all that I leave unsaid. To feel as I do; to act the way I act. The desires of my heart are the rally cries of my head, for the war will rage between them till the end of all these nights.
Night.
That is when this comes out. It is where it was born and will probably be the location of it's death. But how to kill it? How do you end something that cannot die no matter how hard you try? It is a Beast that I have created: a Beast that will undoubtibly end me.
Perhaps that is it's function, to end me. Oh, not in a physical manner mind you but rather in a more profound way. This seems to be my eternal struggle. Nothing else affects me greater than this. I'm will to wait for almost anything in this world be it fame, fortune or peace; however I find it impossible to wait for love. And while I will it becomes more painful with each passing day.
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